Sometimes I feel as though I'm surrounded by stupid. It's not exactly fun, but it is always funny...just be glad it's happening to me, not you.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Jeepers Creepers

A Creep's greatest ally is the cell phone. Not just his, but a girl's, too, as we found out by O'Creep's sneaky way of getting poor Caitlin's number. Caitlin is smart enough to not hand out her number, whereas me? I'm not. And here for your reading pleasure is the story of text-obsessed Creep 13.

I met Creep 13 in a parking garage. He was running across the garage to get to work on time and I, being the nice person I am (ha!), recognized that look of panic on his face and stood aside to let him get to the stairs first. As it turns out, he works at a restaurant I go to often. There had been nothing more than a wave or a quick hello between us since then, so I thought I was safe...until one night when he wrote down his number on a scrap of paper and handed it to a bartender to give to me. What is this, 5th grade?
Do you like me?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Maybe?

Well, ok, he seems like a nice enough guy...and I am there all the time, so why be mean? I sent him a text. I let him know immediately that I do not date. In fact, I made it painfully clear that I do not date. Still, he wants a drink. When I decline he steps it up, "I think ur gorgeous, can we go to dinner sometime?" When hit with another no, he seems to accept defeat. "Oh ok cool. Nvm then." I didn't reply, but that didn't deter Creep 13.

I felt like I was talking to a teenager trying to look sexy and grown up but just looks like a slut. Oh, honey, no. Just no. But I was informed that Creep 13 has NO trouble getting girls, there's plenty of us and it's no skin off his back if I say no. So uhh...why are you being so persistent, Creep 13? No worries, I'll just ignore you. That'll work, right?

Wait wait wait. I look like a "good girl?" What does that even mean? The best part of this one-sided text conversation is that during it I am actually AT the restaurant where he works and his texts are being read by my buddy who is actually one of the restaurant's managers. With a great big smile on his face, Dirk the Manager starts to reply to Creep 13 for me.

That teeny pic? That's Dirk, waving and doing his best impression of what a good girl looks like. We were dying laughing...especially since Creep 13 still didn't give up. When a Creep knows his superiors are reading his messages and still tells you "I'm a bad boy for sure," you know you have a Grade A Creep on your hands. Apparently when romancing me with offers of dinner didn't work he thought he'd try being a bad boy. All girls like bad boys, right? A few more messages asking for a drink he thinks he is owed brings us to this...

Now, my eagle-eyed readers, do you see that there are two full days where Creep 13 didn't contact me? Silly me, I thought I had gotten through Creep 13's thick skull that I wasn't interested. I was so very wrong. Caitlin (remember Caitlin?) and I were at the restaurant on the night of April 1st having a cocktail and chatting with Dirk about my plans to go home to Boston for Easter. And there goes Creep 13...and there he goes again. He made sure to hang around a lot, walk by a lot, try to talk to us a lot--and we made sure we didn't give him the time of day.
Somehow he thought he deserved a hug when we left...of course Dirk got hugs from us, but Creep 13? Not so much. We were barely out the door when my phone beeped. "We going to have that drink before u leave?"

Really, Creep 13? REALLY? I just spent an evening giving you a frigidly cold shoulder and you still want a drink? Where is your self-respect, Creep 13?

Now, I was a bit tipsy at this point. I replied. Caitlin and I found this hilarious, of course.

Clearly, begging has worked for Creep 13 in the past. I wrote back a ridiculously lengthy and bitchy reply that is actually too long to screenshot:
I don't think you understood me from day one. I don't want a great guy. I don't want any guy. You "won" a drink for not being obnoxious and persistent and then you immediately became both AND I learned you have a gf who lives with you. I'm not a "good girl," but I'm also not attracted to "bad boys," or idiots. I'm not going to hang out with or hook up with you and I certainly don't need or want to be won over. Learn to accept defeat.

He then wrote back an equally wordy message.
I don't live with any gf or anything like that, ur welcome to come over if u don't believe me.

Yeah, sure, and I was born yesterday. He goes on to tell me he understands that I don't want to date, but that doesn't stop him from begging for sex. And remember how modest he is?


The Creeps

Caitlin was looking fantastic in a little black dress, stilettos, and a perfectly done smoky eye. She was holding a glass of champagne, chatting with friends, having a wonderful time...and then it happened. The Creep approached.

Creeps are a specific breed of man. They're usually easy to spot:
That guy who casually mentions all the money he made working overtime this week, then tells you he has the best weed in the area? Creep.

The winner who loudly announces to his friends that he's "gonna go hit up Red over there," (which is actually kind of nice because it gives you fair warning) doesn't take the hint that you're not interested, and hangs around you all night anyways? Creep.

The friend of a friend who you go on one quasi-date with who insists on holding your hand and then doesn't let go despite the many attempts to escape his grip? Creeeep.

That kid you had one class with in high school and never really spoke to who finds you years later on Facebook and messages you with the opening line, "you single?" Creeper!

That geek trying to hit on you and failing so hard that even his wingman friend has given up on him? Weirdy McCreeper.

Caitlin's Creep at the holiday ball was no exception. He came up to introduce himself, said he just HAD to meet Caitlin. Claimed he's from Southie, which my fellow Bostonians will know instantly to be a lie, but we'll call him O'Creep anyways.Well let me tell you, Caitlin looked absolutely stunning, so how can I blame O'Creep for trying? It's always flattering when a guy comes up to you to say hello. It's just so unfortunate that they often ruin that fleeting moment of happiness with Creepdom. O'Creep came on too strong, but Caitlin is a really nice girl who has trouble being mean to anyone, even Creeps (That's usually a gal's downfall, though Creeps are known to be persistent even while looking big fat NOs directly in the face). So Caitlin was chatting with O'Creep and showing him pictures on her phone. O'Creep took the phone, in what seemed to be an attempt to get a better look...but then he didn't give it back. He actually called his own number from her phone. Smooth move, O'Creep. You've just proven that you never get a girl's digits and have resorted to devising ways to get them without permission. He even managed to get a picture with us.

The blurryness of this photo makes it almost look like we wanted to be in this shot. We didn't.

O'Creep spent the night chatting up several other ladies in-between trying to grope Caitlin and stick his tongue down her throat. We successfully avoided him after he tried to get her to go home with him, but the next day an ominous beep signaled a text message had arrived from O'Creep.
"Black dress, right?"
Oh geeze.
Excuse me?
"Send me a pic of yourself."
Number. Blocked.

For a long time I didn't know how to block a number, so I had to come up with a way to remember who to not take a call from. I now have thirteen contacts in my phone with the same name. First name: Don't, last name: Answer. Problem solved!! As a matter of fact, I just added lucky 13 last night. But you'll have to wait until my next post to read about him...he needs a post all his own.